I’m a shitty person. That’s why I can’t have nice things.
doctors: why are all your bones broken
me: totally gnarly kick flip
doctors: fucking savage bro
what do you mean not everyone has a toilet that washes and massages your butt
Wait there are toilets like that?
what an incredible experience it must be
im mildly concerned about something labeled “turbo” going near my butt
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO FRICKING HAPPY
on the way to bird school
you: What day is it?
us: It’s October 3rd.